Jokes. lol

[stealthy1 3,964]

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

 

 

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

 

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

 

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelery store.”

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

 

After Helen Flanagan's trial in a room with an ostrich, Ant and Dec asked how it felt to come face to face with a strange looking bird with a tiny brain.

 

"terrifying" replied the ostrich.

 

 

A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What are the eggs for?" asks the husband. She replied "every time we had crap sex i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" says the husband, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?" She replies "Every time i got a dozen i sold them......"

 

 

 

 

Irish Paralympic Swimming Trials -

 

50mtrs free style

Lane 1, Paddy with no arms

Lane 2, Mick with no legs

Lane 3, just a head

 

Gun goes off & they all dive in. Mick with no legs takes the lead from

armless Paddy. The head sinks 2 the bottom. Armless Paddy pips the legless

Mick 2 win the race.

...

They fish the head out & ask what happened. The head spluttered & screamed

"6 months 2 learn 2 swim with my ears & some twat puts a swimming cap

on me!"

[Frann 882]

BREAKING NEWS: EU decrees that UK must allow turkeys the vote over Christmas

[baw 4,360]

What do Las Vegas and Glasgow have in common? . . . . . . . . . . . They're the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex, wi chips.

 

Crimewatch: 48 year old shopkeeper Javed Ali was brutally stabbed and after 2 weeks lying in a coma his family had to make the agonising decision.

 

To shut the shop and go visit him in hospital.

 

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you f****r!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'f**k off it'll be too painful.'"

 

A man goes to confession after a 16 year absence. As he sits in the booth, he looks around and says to the the priest, "Confessions has really changed father, I don't remember a Leather chair, Guiness on tap and Gay porn mags being in the booth before ?" The priest replied, "That's because your in my f*****g seat!"

 

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what? " says the 7 year old, "I think its time we started swearin. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you. "

"OK. " says the 4 year old.

Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast.

"I'll

have Coco pops bitch."

WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?"

"Dunno but it won't be f*****g coco pops.

[stewie 3,387]

Wee dyslexic boy asks his mam, can I have a MacDonalds?, yes she says but only if you spell it for me,

Fcuk it he answers, I'll have a KFC.

i cant believe you spelt mcdonalds wrong yourself there...............

[baw 4,360]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy said

 

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Saville. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

 

Susan boyle has jumped to Jimmy Savilles defence.. Saying i appeared on Jim'll fix it when i was 13years old and he never touched me

 

Paddys lying up in bed watching Babestation. He phones the number at the bottom of the screen and the Babe says "Hello sexy and what can I do for you tonight?". Paddy replies "Do you see that sofa you're lying on""Yes" she replies. Paddy says "You wouldn't

jump over the back of it and hide" "Sure sexy. But why". She says. Paddy replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the f****n remote

 

Man goes to India for a cheap penis extension. The cheapest is an elephant trunk so he says f**k it, I'll have that one. 6 weeks later out at dinner with his new girlfriend he feels a stirring in his pants. Yes he thinks, tonight's the night. Suddenly his dick whips out, grabs an apple off the table and disappears again. Wow says his girlfriend, can you do that again!!! Probably he says, but my arsehole can't take another apple.

[bigdaz 688]

Wee dyslexic boy asks his mam, can I have a MacDonalds?, yes she says but only if you spell it for me,

Fcuk it he answers, I'll have a KFC.

i cant believe you spelt mcdonalds wrong yourself there...............

 

It was the scottish drive through up at Glencoe mate, so there.

[stewie 3,387]

Wee dyslexic boy asks his mam, can I have a MacDonalds?, yes she says but only if you spell it for me,

Fcuk it he answers, I'll have a KFC.

i cant believe you spelt mcdonalds wrong yourself there...............

 

It was the scottish drive through up at Glencoe mate, so there.

:laugh:

[baw 4,360]

Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.

1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

8. You still have a little bit on your chin.

9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

[Matt3699 142]

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no-one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

 

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

 

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

 

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course, he was right again.

 

Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

 

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

 

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."