christian71 3,187 Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 As my spunk dribbled down my girlfriend's chin, I looked her in the eyes and said, "Do you like that?" "No," she replied, "What the f**k is in this sandwich?" ................................................................................................................................................................ My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes." "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed... ................................................................................................................................................................. I went to see the Red Arrows today. There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show. ...................................................................................................................................................................... 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MoChara 1,632 Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,513 Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pip1968 2,490 Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 lol :toast: the sicker the better Quote Link to post Share on other sites
walshie 2,804 Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 I went into a barber's, sat down in the chair and the woman said, "How do you want me to cut your hair?" I said, "Like Liam Gallagher, please." So she put on a parka and said, "Alright knobhead." 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the f*****g pub. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub. Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the pub to my house. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 My doctor was giving me a prostate exam. "How does that feel?" he asked. "Not great," I replied. "No?" he smiled. "What about two fingers..." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 A woman went to consult a medium and said to her, "Every Friday night I'm visited by the ghost of my dead husband, who then makes love to me all night." "And you want me to contact him and tell him to stop?" the medium asked. "God no, just tell him a bit of a fingering first might make a nice change. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
old real tree 92 Posted September 28, 2012 Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 Ha ha great..... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted September 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 I bought my wife some of that "volume control" shampoo. Doesn't work, I can still f*****g hear her. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The Duncan 802 Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 I bought my wife some of that "volume control" shampoo. Doesn't work, I can still f*****g hear her. try ear plugs - works for me Some crackers on here !!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2012 After arguing with my son I said to my wife, "Did you hear the way he speaks to me? Kids today have no bloody respect for their elders." "You can say that again," her father piped up. "And you can shut the f**k up," I said. "Nobody f*****g asked for your opinion." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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