That's how the fight started...

[The Seeker 3,048]

HOW  TO START A FIGHT

 

 

One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a  cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked  me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't  used the gift I bought you last year!"

And  that's how the fight  started.....

 

______________________________

 

My  wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A  Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is  that your final answer?'

She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I  said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And  that's when the fight  started...

 

________________________________

 

I  took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for  some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."

He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah,  she can order for herself."

And that's when  the fight  started.....

 

________________________________

 

My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school reunion, and she

kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone  at a

nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old  boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking  right after

we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go  on celebrating that

long?"

And then the fight  started...

 

________________________________

 

When  our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife  kept hinting to me

that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had something  else to

take care of first, the shed, the  boat, making beer.. Always something  more

important to me. Finally she thought of  a clever way to make her point.

When I  arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall grass, busily

snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently  for

a short time and then went into the  house.. I was gone only a minute, and

when I  came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I  said, "When you finish

cutting the grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

The  doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.

 

________________________________

 

My  wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I  said, "Dust."

And then the fight  started...

 

________________________________

 

Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my  lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I  hooked up the boat up to the  van,  and

proceeded to back out into a torrential  downpour. The wind was blowing 50

mph, so  I pulled back into the garage, turned on the  radio, and discovered that the

weather would  be bad all day. I went back into the house,  quietly

undressed, and slipped back into  bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now

with  a different anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is

terrible."

My loving  wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe  my stupid

husband is out fishing in  that?"

And that's how the fight  started...

 

________________________________

 

My  wife was hinting about what she wanted for our  upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want  something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about  3

seconds."

I bought her a bathroom  scale.

And then the fight  started......

 

________________________________

 

After  retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply for Social

Security.

The woman  behind the counter asked me for my driver's  License to verify

my age.

I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at  home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry,  but I would have to go home and

come back  later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your  shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my  curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver  hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and  she

processed my Social Security  application..

When I got home, I excitedly  told my wife about my experience at the

Social  Security office...

She said, 'You should have  dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.'

And then the fight  started...

 

________________________________

 

My  wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw  and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old,  fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a  compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn  near perfect."

And then the fight  started....

[South hams hunter 8,924]

Story of my life most of them