A wee long joke as I'm bored.

[RossM 8,115]

 

 

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the

streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson

Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for

evening performances'.

 

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please

you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however

obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

 

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting

window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

 

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire

need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The

first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too

involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,

'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

 

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I

just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

 

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little

less "lively".'

 

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad

which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops

asks him the title.

 

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t

box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

 

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive

titles?'

 

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or

there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got

nice jugs".

 

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but

the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the

condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

 

'f**k it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

 

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up

his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only

thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous

blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the

tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and

inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking

hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

 

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the

tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the

show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she

says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

 

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging

out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

 

'Know it?'

 

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

 

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

[stewie 3,387]

:laugh: good one "mate".... ....

[jf1970 328]

i couldn't stop laughing when i was reading through it, :laugh:

[christian71 3,187]

I will save that one till im bored

[Big red 1990 16]

Oh dear that's 5 mins of my life I'll never get back

[ferret features 289]

My uncle was arubbish ventriloquist.....he used to stick his fingers up my arse and ask me to say nothing.

[The one 8,463]

:laugh:

[patterdale666 1,620]

:laugh:

[Hitcher 297]

belter an ff so was yours :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[patdahat 41]

[trigger2 3,133]

:laugh: