2 jokes

[tote 856]

Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

 

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this

procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,

you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

 

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by

having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow

my instructions?"

 

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz,

I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from friggin skippin' !"

 

 

 

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home.

 

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

 

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

 

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

 

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

 

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

 

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

 

And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

 

"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.

 

 

 

"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The f#cking Arab!"