nod 285 Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 (edited) Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “f**k that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!” Wife says to husband, “If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!” Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough? BULLSHIT! I seen one farm on TV and the prick had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard! What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own f*****g bike and wanted to go home! Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!” Was shagging this girl over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day. God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to f**k her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re not too f*****g happy about it in Tesco's either! Sorry for not calling you on New Years Day, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f**k out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. What’s the difference between a black man and a park bench? A park bench can support a family. Why are aspirins white? Because they work. How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder. My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a f*****g Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle” I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Bird called Penny – spooky or what? The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer. My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour. Edited November 22, 2011 by nod 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LUMPHAMMER 324 Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Hahahahaha Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bluedogge 1 Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 vvvvv funny. whole house erupted :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
diggory 130 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 some belters there....... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
James Doyle 59 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 lol... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hellyer189 93 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Haha qwaliiteeeeeee Quote Link to post Share on other sites
GunnySonics 12 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 brilliant!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tegater 789 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Excellent. I laughed until I stopped! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
fazza123 516 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bigbarnett 33 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 bloody brilliant mate Quote Link to post Share on other sites
long dogs 580 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dytkos 17,804 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Good AND new. Cheers, D. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
long dogs 580 Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 a pakistani been constipated for 5 days,as he waiting at bus stop to go to doctors,,he gets the sudden urge he needs a shite looks round no one about so he drops his pants does one in shelter,as he pulls his trousers up bus pulls up he gets on and says town please,driver says be a pound for you and 50p for your young one 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nod 285 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Two men talking in a bar first guy says 'did you hear one of James Bonds' girls split her fanny open' 'What Honour Blackman' he says 'no on her dildo' 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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