jokes thin on t ground

[diggory 130]

Our lass was feeling horny last night and tried to wake me up at two in the morning by rubbing her pussy in my face and sucking on her dildo . i sed "Dont do that ".She said "Why are you too tired "?. i said "No i had it up my arse this afternoon "!!!!

[jo54 255]

ffs :laugh:

[moggy rock 22]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[twobob 1,497]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a'Geordies are not stupid' convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid.

Can i have a volunteer please?"

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up on stage,

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15". After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says "Eighteen".

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world wide press and global broadcasting media here i think we can give him another chance". So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says "Ninety"

Shearer looks down and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying but then 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "Give him another chance, give him another chance!".

Shearer unsure whether he is doing more harm than good eventually says,

"What is 2 plus 2?" Silence hangs over the stadium, Gazza closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four".

Pandemomium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and SCREAM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE"

[Lab 10,979]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a'Geordies are not stupid' convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid.

Can i have a volunteer please?"

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up on stage,

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15". After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says "Eighteen".

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world wide press and global broadcasting media here i think we can give him another chance". So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says "Ninety"

Shearer looks down and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying but then 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "Give him another chance, give him another chance!".

Shearer unsure whether he is doing more harm than good eventually says,

"What is 2 plus 2?" Silence hangs over the stadium, Gazza closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four".

Pandemomium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and SCREAM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE"

Hahahahahah..........

[dytkos 17,793]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster.

 

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus

 

Cheers, D.

[WILF 46,811]

Young irish girl journeys to London to see if the streets are paved with gold.

Unfortunatley, the streets are not paved with gold and she has to become a prostitute.........having earned a lot of money, she returns to Ireland.

 

Her mother is weeping with joy and the girl starts crying and admits that she had to become a prostitute..........her poor old mum screams at her "You had to become a WHAT!!"

 

"i HAD TO BECOME A PROSTITUTE MUMMY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME"

 

Her mother starts to calm down and with a look of relief she says "Thank f**k for that............I thought you said a PRODESTANT!!!"

[christian71 3,187]

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.

 

"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.

 

"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing."

 

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

[christian71 3,187]

I bumped into an old mate today.

 

He said, "What you up to these days?"

 

I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."

 

He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?"

 

I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons!"

[danw 1,748]

I knocked on a blokes door earlier and said, "Have you lost a cat?"

 

He said, "Yes."

 

I said, "Black & White?"

 

He said, "Yes."

 

I said, "I've just seen it."

 

He said, "Whereabouts?"

 

I said, "Follow me."

 

I walked up the road, pointed to a tree and said, "There, on that f*****g poster."

[danw 1,748]

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."

 

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

 

"Give me an example," she replied.

 

"Well, while I was f*****g you last night, I was thinking about your friend."

[danw 1,748]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[RossM 8,119]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing"

[RossM 8,119]

A Scouse wedding ends in a riot, the police arrest 20 for affray. The next day in court the judge asks the best man his version of events.......Judge: So then , please tell me your side of the story.Best man says "well your honour, it is scouse tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the bride, which i did....... ok i admit i was dancing very close to her but then suddenly out of no where the groom runs at us and kicks his bride full pelt right in the fanny! "Gosh" says the judge "that must of hurt".. "Hurt?" replies the best man.... "he broke 3 of my f*****g fingers ! """"

[knocker76 40]

Paddy and Murphy out lamping one night, Paddy say to Murphy "i'm dying for a shite but i've got no paper to wipe my arse"

murphy says "have you got a fiver"

paddy says "yeah why"

murphy say "well go for a shite and wipe your arse with that"

5 minutes pass and paddy comes back upto the elbows in shit

murphy say "for fecks sake what have you done"

paddy says "have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 £1 coins 5 20p pieces and 2 50p pieces