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marriage is like a deck of cards in the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond by the end you wish you had a feckin club and spade .

WOMENS LONELY HEARTS ADS What they really mean:   ADVENTUROUS = Slut ATHLETIC = No tits 30 SOMETHING = 41 FUN = Annoying WILD = Gets pissed easily BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog SE

Man and woman married for 30 years,the man said when they got married: right love,il do this whole marriage thing but you dont go into my safe,its private. Ok,agreed the woman. This particular da

WOMENS LONELY HEARTS ADS

What they really mean:

 

ADVENTUROUS = Slut

ATHLETIC = No tits

30 SOMETHING = 41

FUN = Annoying

WILD = Gets pissed easily

BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog

SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a f*****g nutter

NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny

HEADSTRONG = Argumentative

ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic

CURVY = Fat c**t

CUDDLY = Fat c**t

LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat c**t

LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat c**t

 

 

:clapper: :clapper: :clapper: :clapper:

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i was out walking my dog earlier

when an old granny shouted "you make sure

that you pick that shit up"...calm down luv

i replied, let me wipe my a*se first..

 

 

 

job interviewer asks whats your name ?...its

john,f*cking,barstard,twat,piss flaps,brady,...do you

suffer from tourettes john ? asked the interviewer

no said john but the vicar at my christening did..

 

 

 

joined a nudist colony last week.....

the first few days were the hardest.

 

 

 

 

just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting

the bathroom wall & singing "its a heartache,nothing but a fools game,

i thought to myself shes a bonnie tyler

 

 

 

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I can never forgive my father for what he did to me as a child. How any responsible adult could do that to an innocent child is beyond my comprehension.

 

He still sends me a card every birthday begging for forgiveness and the chance to make amends, but I ignore them. If only he hadn't bought me that Liverpool kit as a vulnerable and impressionable four year old, I might not be the deluded f****d up person I am today.

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I can never forgive my father for what he did to me as a child. How any responsible adult could do that to an innocent child is beyond my comprehension.

 

He still sends me a card every birthday begging for forgiveness and the chance to make amends, but I ignore them. If only he hadn't bought me that Liverpool kit as a vulnerable and impressionable four year old, I might not be the deluded f****d up person I am today.

:alcoholic: :sorry::cray::sorry: :secret: Can't we just move on? :cray:

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I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

 

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

 

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

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Went round to a mates house last night to see their new born baby, his wife asked me if I'd like to have a go at winding it, I thought it was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead :icon_eek:

 

 

 

My f*****g neighbour knocked at my door at 2.30 this morning. Can you believe that!? 2.30am!

 

Luckily for him I was still up playing my guitar full volume thru a Marshall stack at the time.

 

 

 

Found a DVD entitled "Bald and barely legal" chuffed with my find I put the disc in the player and sat there ready to bash one out, imagine my disappointment .when it turned out to be a Department of Transport video about tyre tread depths :laugh:

first 1 is class

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Little David goes to school and shows his class mates his new watch, GPS, internet, phone, laser, tells the time as well, little Billy asks David how he got the watch as it was not his birthday or Christmas. "I wanted a drink of water and I went into mum and dad's bedroom and dad was laying on top of mum and moving up and down when I aked him for a drink of water he told me to go away and I would get a new watch, any one I wanted, so here it is..." Billy is impressed.

 

Late Friday night he decides to pull the same trick. Goes into mum and dad's bedroom, dad is on top of mum, just reaching the short strokes when he is aware of Billy.

"What do you want?" He asks Billy.

"I wanna watch!" Billy replies.

"Well for Christ's sake shut the door there is a draught right up my arse...."

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My girlfriend asked me if i,ve ever pissed in the shower?I said "a couple of times...accidentally".She said "Thats disgusting..and what do you mean, accidentally?".I said these things happen when your having a shit..

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My girlfriend asked me if i,ve ever pissed in the shower?I said "a couple of times...accidentally".She said "Thats disgusting..and what do you mean, accidentally?".I said these things happen when your having a shit..

pmsl......... :laugh:

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A paki and an englishmen were driving head on one night and their cars collided. To their amazement neither is hurt but both cars are destroyed.In celebration of their good luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment onand the englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky.He hands it to the paki who exclaims,"may the english and pakistanis live together in peace and harmony " and then gulps down half the bottle,He goes to hand the bottle to the englishman who replies ,"no thanks you paki c**t..i'll just wait till the police get here "! :thumbs:

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