lee micheal kennels 12 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 Priest books into the Travel lodge, and he says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled" "No it`s ordinary porn, you sick b*****d" she replies ha ha deadly any more out there Quote Link to post Share on other sites
boyo 1,398 Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 hows this for bad luck my sister hasnt ever had sex in case she catches something and now she has just caught e colli off a cucumber . 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stewie 3,387 Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 A man says to his wife one day, quite out of the blue, "If you sleep with another man apart from me I will rip out every hair on your body" Quite surprised the woman decides to go for a drive. By the time she gets into town she is rather angry with her husband. She pulls up outside of a bus station and sees a pakistani man waiting for a bus. She pulls down the window and says, "Get into my car", and to her surprise the man says, in a pakistani accent, "Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gets out her handy stash of chocolate digestives and hands one over and the man climbs into the seat next to her. Then the woman says "How about I drive you back to my place" and again he says, "Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gives him one of her well remembered biscuits. Then she drives him back to her place. She gets out of the car and says to him, "Come into my house" and not to her surprise he insists that she gives him a chocolate biscuit and so she does. Then at the foot of the stairs she says, "Come up into my bedroom" and again, "Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gives him one and she takes him upstairs. In her bedroom she says to him, "Will you have sex with me" the man says, "Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gets out the packet again and hands one over. After their heated sex she hears her husband, who had been luckily away for all this time, come back in. "Quick," she says to the paki, "get inside my cupboard" and he does so just as the husband comes upstairs. He looks at his wife and says, "Why are you so sweaty, have you been having sex with another man?" She swears she hadn't. But her husband doesn't believe her. He starts to rip every hair out of her body until he gets down to the very last one, a big long black pubic hair!!! He keeps pulling at it, while she keeps denying it and with last pull the man shouts "come out you black b*****d" and then from the cupboard he heard, "Only for a chocolate biscuit" :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tubba 38 Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 I was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and i said "you remind me of my little toe" she said "is that because i am small and cute" I replied" no because i'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table later on. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
turtlehead 7 Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?nothing she's been told twice already. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lee micheal kennels 12 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?nothing she's been told twice already. :notworthy: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lee micheal kennels 12 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?nothing she's been told twice already. :notworthy: PADDY sharing a cell with big black guy...the black guy whips out his cock bangs it off the bed!!!!!!!bed breaks.....bangs it off the toilet bowl!!!!!! smashs that....he truns to paddy and says im GOIN TO STICK THIS UP UR ASS!!!!!!!!! PADDY says thank f**k thought you were going to hit me with it................... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest alcapone Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 Man and woman married for 30 years,the man said when they got married: right love,il do this whole marriage thing but you dont go into my safe,its private. Ok,agreed the woman. This particular day he was at work and left the safe open,she had a peek in,when the husband got home the wife said: look we need to talk,i know it was a deal i didnt look in your safe but i was cleaning this morning and noticed it open,i know i shouldnt but i took a look in,there was £40,000 and 3 eggs,can you explain it??? Well ok said the husband,30yr we@ve been married,i supose i should come clean.....every time i was unfaithful to you i put an egg in the safe wife said: well i supose 3 times in 30 yr isnt too bad...what about the £40,000? husband replied: everytime i got a dozen i sold em!!!!! 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cold Ethyl 63 Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 Why are women and hurricanes so alike When they come its wet and warm and when they go they take the house and car with them Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BOLIO1 1,078 Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 When my wife manipulates the muscles in her fanny it feels just like a blow job, which is ironic cos when she manipulates the muscles in her mouth she sounds just like a c##t! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
trappa 517 Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 Paddy says to his Pa . "For fecks sake Pa, you were right. Once you get married they dont want to feckin know about sex" Pa - "Have you tried wooing her or being spontaneous" Paddy - "Be jeesus of course, Ive tried allsorts. Ive tried it on in the backseat of the taxi, Ive tried it on in the toilets, Ive tried fingering her while we have dinner but she just says "later" " Pa - "Like i said son, once your married they dont want to feckin know. Anyway, we'll finish this conversation later. Your wanted on the top table, its nearly time for the speeches" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
trappa 517 Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 My wife has left me because of my obsession with Tommy Cooper. One minute she was fine with it and the next she wasnt. Just like that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
iamduvern 62 Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mangy1983 51 Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" Theres is a Youtube video based on that joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6GtzUs2OPg Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jack68 628 Posted June 13, 2011 Report Share Posted June 13, 2011 my ex wife is suffering from depression she phoned me the other day and said "i feel like jumping under a train and your not doing anything to help " so i sent her a timetable Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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