christian71 3,187 Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 After shagging a fat bird whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number." "Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded. I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
just jack 998 Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 Prof of maths sends his wife a text"Dear wife ,your 54 years old ,you can no longer satisfy my needs, so when you get this i will be in a hotel with my 18yr old assistant,i,m sorry i will be home late." Wife sends reply "Dear husband your also 54 and by the time you get this i,ll also be in a hotel with my 18yr old toyboy,your a mathematician so you will know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18 ,so don,t wait up floppy knob"!!!! My new girlfriend said she wanted something nine inches,hard and full of spunk....so i give her a sock from under my bed... Bloke goes to buy a talking dog,he gets there,dog says"alright mate?" guy says "f*****g hell thats impressive". dog says "i,ve won crufts 5 times, been on t.v,in films,sniffed out explosives in iraq and run 8 marathons" guy says to the owner "he,s great why are you selling him then?" owner says "because he is a lying c**t..... My new girlfriend said she wanted something nine inches,hard and full of spunk....so i give her a sock from under my bed... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) British guy working abroad in germany,gets drunk and spends all his cash. He is desperate for a ride,so goes to the local knocking shop. madame invites him and in,and starts to explain the services and prices. he is like wait a min,im gonna be honest only money i have left is 2marks.im really desperate anything at all im gagging here. she thinks about it for a min then says.ok if you go to the last door on the left you can have her for 2marks. off he goes knocks on the door and goes in.on the bed is a no bad looking women and she says,oh your the one with little money.ok heres the deal she then takes out her glass eye and says here you can f**k the socket. he is a bit apprehensive and not sure,but the drink and the hardon soon take over. so there he is f*****g away at this birds eye socket,and he is loving it,soon finishes and says to the girl "well i can honestly say,never before have i had such a great ride,that was trully amazing.Will defo be comming to see you again thats for sure" she says,why thank you, ill keep an eye out for you. Edited July 17, 2011 by scothunter Quote Link to post Share on other sites
diggory 130 Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 looked out my window before and and saw a paki get hit by a truck.. i though ouchh that could have been me....................... i can drive a truck Quote Link to post Share on other sites
diggory 130 Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 What you call a paki joiner ?...... Hamed Ma shed Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest alcapone Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him,taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satalite dish.....poor b*****d....No woman.No sky! Edited January 30, 2012 by alcapone Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest alcapone Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 After landing myself in jail,i spent the next 4 hours being relentlessly being bummed..........im starting to think my dad takes monopoly far too seriously!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest alcapone Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 A nigger goes for a job at sea,the captain says"have you any experience away at sea?" the nigger says "No,but im honest!" The captain takes him on and they set sail. After 3wks at sea the nigger is busy mopping the decks,when a giant wave crashes over the boat and sweeps the nigger overboard,the first mate goes running to the captain and says "you know the nigger we took on who said he was honest?"....................................."Well he's just f****d off with your mop!!!" 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest alcapone Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 Man playing golf hits 3 hole in one then the phone rings,his wife is in hospital on life support but he decides to finish the game. When he finally gets to hospital doc says "i hope you enjoyed the game,its your last,she needs 24hr care" the husband starts to cry,then the doc says "Only joking......she died 2 hours ago!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scothunter 12,609 Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 Kommandant at auschwitz says to the Jews, I want you to climb up on top of that scaffold and once you reach the top, want you to jump off onto the concrete slabs below. It's a mind over matter situation. We don't mind,and you don't f*****g matter. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Work them hard 339 Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 I said to my housemate, 'Wanna hear a joke?' He goes 'Alright then.' 'What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?' 'I don't know,' he said. 'You're disgusting.' 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Work them hard 339 Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 My penis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Work them hard 339 Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 I asked my girlfriend why she straightened her hair. "To make it longer" she replied. And that, doctor, is how I burnt my penis. I left my wife breathless in bed last night. I hid her inhaler. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
trooperman 73 Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 all very good just needed a good laugh paul Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lanesra 3,994 Posted January 30, 2012 Report Share Posted January 30, 2012 Some absolute CRACKERS there :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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