andyfr1968 772 Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) I found a hole in my trainer the other day that I could stick my finger in. I thought nothing about it until she reported me and now I'm banned from the gym Edited June 29, 2011 by andyfr1968 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Terryorr 27 Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 In the UK every day, there are 200 P killed or mamed. What does P stand for. Pets Pets Pets No mate PAKIS Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lee micheal kennels 12 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 WOMENS LONELY HEARTS ADS What they really mean: ADVENTUROUS = Slut ATHLETIC = No tits 30 SOMETHING = 41 FUN = Annoying WILD = Gets pissed easily BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a f*****g nutter NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny HEADSTRONG = Argumentative ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic CURVY = Fat c**t CUDDLY = Fat c**t LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat c**t LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat c**t :clapper: :clapper: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tote 856 Posted June 29, 2011 Report Share Posted June 29, 2011 i was out walking my dog earlier when an old granny shouted "you make sure that you pick that shit up"...calm down luv i replied, let me wipe my a*se first.. job interviewer asks whats your name ?...its john,f*cking,barstard,twat,piss flaps,brady,...do you suffer from tourettes john ? asked the interviewer no said john but the vicar at my christening did.. joined a nudist colony last week..... the first few days were the hardest. just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall & singing "its a heartache,nothing but a fools game, i thought to myself shes a bonnie tyler Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted June 30, 2011 Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 I can never forgive my father for what he did to me as a child. How any responsible adult could do that to an innocent child is beyond my comprehension. He still sends me a card every birthday begging for forgiveness and the chance to make amends, but I ignore them. If only he hadn't bought me that Liverpool kit as a vulnerable and impressionable four year old, I might not be the deluded f****d up person I am today. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
fcuktheban 140 Posted July 1, 2011 Report Share Posted July 1, 2011 I can never forgive my father for what he did to me as a child. How any responsible adult could do that to an innocent child is beyond my comprehension. He still sends me a card every birthday begging for forgiveness and the chance to make amends, but I ignore them. If only he hadn't bought me that Liverpool kit as a vulnerable and impressionable four year old, I might not be the deluded f****d up person I am today. :alcoholic: :secret: Can't we just move on? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jack68 628 Posted July 1, 2011 Report Share Posted July 1, 2011 I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mighty celt 996 Posted July 2, 2011 Report Share Posted July 2, 2011 Went round to a mates house last night to see their new born baby, his wife asked me if I'd like to have a go at winding it, I thought it was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead My f*****g neighbour knocked at my door at 2.30 this morning. Can you believe that!? 2.30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my guitar full volume thru a Marshall stack at the time. Found a DVD entitled "Bald and barely legal" chuffed with my find I put the disc in the player and sat there ready to bash one out, imagine my disappointment .when it turned out to be a Department of Transport video about tyre tread depths first 1 is class Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lee micheal kennels 12 Posted July 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 tommy turns up at school with his cat peeping out of his bag. his puzzled teacher asked TOMMY whats your at doing at school today,,? tommy answers "i heard the postman tell mammy when your kids go to school im going to eat your pussy " so i was not taken any chances!!!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
secretagentmole 1,701 Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 Little David goes to school and shows his class mates his new watch, GPS, internet, phone, laser, tells the time as well, little Billy asks David how he got the watch as it was not his birthday or Christmas. "I wanted a drink of water and I went into mum and dad's bedroom and dad was laying on top of mum and moving up and down when I aked him for a drink of water he told me to go away and I would get a new watch, any one I wanted, so here it is..." Billy is impressed. Late Friday night he decides to pull the same trick. Goes into mum and dad's bedroom, dad is on top of mum, just reaching the short strokes when he is aware of Billy. "What do you want?" He asks Billy. "I wanna watch!" Billy replies. "Well for Christ's sake shut the door there is a draught right up my arse...." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
torchey 1,328 Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 Man says to wife,i had to show my grey chest hair to get my pension today.Wife says you should have shown them your dick we would get disability allowance.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
torchey 1,328 Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 My girlfriend asked me if i,ve ever pissed in the shower?I said "a couple of times...accidentally".She said "Thats disgusting..and what do you mean, accidentally?".I said these things happen when your having a shit.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted July 10, 2011 Report Share Posted July 10, 2011 My girlfriend asked me if i,ve ever pissed in the shower?I said "a couple of times...accidentally".She said "Thats disgusting..and what do you mean, accidentally?".I said these things happen when your having a shit.. pmsl......... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
diggory 130 Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 A paki and an englishmen were driving head on one night and their cars collided. To their amazement neither is hurt but both cars are destroyed.In celebration of their good luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment onand the englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky.He hands it to the paki who exclaims,"may the english and pakistanis live together in peace and harmony " and then gulps down half the bottle,He goes to hand the bottle to the englishman who replies ,"no thanks you paki c**t..i'll just wait till the police get here "! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
torchey 1,328 Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 My wife has just told me she,s going to divorce me because i,m too kinky and perverted!!!I was so shocked i almost spat her piss out!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.