tote 856 Posted January 24, 2007 Report Share Posted January 24, 2007 A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, >two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. >Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" > >"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a >difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. > >We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed >one of the cows had something white at its rear end." > >"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf >ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the >cow's arse" > >Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, > >"Hey this looks like yours" >.. > >"I don't remember much after that Pupils in the classroom are asked to name different breeds of dogs......"A yorkie dog"! is the first on the board. "a BULLDOG" is called out next."A doberman dog miss"another pupil says."A coconut dog" screams a boy at the front...The teacher asks him about his answer and he replies "My dad was taking me to school this morning when we saw two dogs.One of the dogs jumped on to the other ones back a my dad said "" LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THE COCONUT DOG"""" A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat.""What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come and ask you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol,and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home." Here's some of the finest double entendres on TV and radio ever...... Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." >> Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." >> Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." >> Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." >> Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." >> Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." >> Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." >> Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off. " >> Claire Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." >> James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" >> Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." >> The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." >> Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." >> Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." >> A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! >> US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!" >> Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." >> Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." >> Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." >> New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." >> Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tatty 101 Posted January 24, 2007 Report Share Posted January 24, 2007 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hairyface 211 Posted January 24, 2007 Report Share Posted January 24, 2007 very funny mate, pmsl "i seen her snatch this morning and it was amazing" you just couldnt make that stuff up Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bigbob Posted January 24, 2007 Report Share Posted January 24, 2007 Some of them are funny as F*** Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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