Lab 10,979 Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said "Toilets closed f*****g beauty tae.................not like ye.. Press the rep button then lab I cant............some wee bent shot has got it super glued down by the looks of things...... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said "Toilets closed f*****g beauty tae.................not like ye.. Press the rep button then lab I cant............some wee bent shot has got it super glued down by the looks of things...... Probably EARTH 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 (edited) 30 things only us men do: 1. Look in the tissue after blowing our nose. 2. Touch hot things, Just to see how hot it is. 3. Set off early, And arrive late. 4. Order food, And still keep looking at the menu. 5. Fart and be proud. 6. Put a sick joke as our status. 7. Beep at girls. 8. Dance to the toilet when out clubbing. 9. Call everyone mate. 10. Dance back from the toilet. 11. Put mobile phone in our front right pocket. 12. Check our phone for no reason. 13. Have a jar for loose change. 14. Hit snooze at least 3 times. 15. Moan about the weather, when inside. 16. Stub our toe, Then blame the thing we stubbed it on. 17. Say 'I love you too' Quietly. 18. Sit with our hands down our trousers, and fiddle. 19. Wear a t-shirt in winter, because we've been to the gym. 20. Call every woman darling. 21. Check our phone, Again. 22. Piss in the shower. 23. Fart in the bath. 24. Lie about our dreams. 25. Give our car a name. 26. Laugh at the disabled. 27. Masturbate, Apparently 28. Lose the house keys, at home. 29. Save a girls number, With a blokes name. 30. Look in the mirror, and tense our arms Edited February 7, 2011 by christian71 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
comanche 3,077 Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 I told my grandchildren that I'd rather be put to sleep with dignity than end up controlled by a machine and reliant on fluids . Little buggers just turned the computer off ,threw me beer down the toilet and asked for the keys the gun-safe..... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Gary Nevilles 1st game working for Sky. "Liverpool were a disgrace, they tried to intimidate the ref n kicked Drogba all over the pitch. They're slow at the back n weak up front, Gerrards past it n shud av been sent off" MARTIN TYLER; Fair comment Gary but this is Spurs v Stoke 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fu(king grip, you stupid bitch." Edited February 9, 2011 by christian71 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
billy bronk 76 Posted February 9, 2011 Report Share Posted February 9, 2011 what do you call a good looking paki asif Quote Link to post Share on other sites
buster 8789 64 Posted February 10, 2011 Report Share Posted February 10, 2011 WOMEN'S LONELY HEARTS ADS What they really mean: ADVENTUROUS = Slut ATHLETIC = No tits 30 SOMETHING = 41 FUN = Annoying WILD = Gets pissed easily BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a f*****g nutter NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny HEADSTRONG = Argumentative ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic CURVY = Fat c**t CUDDLY = Fat c**t LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat c**t LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat c**t Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 My dad's a very old man now, and he's starting to lose it. He's always reminiscing about his childhood. The other day, he said, "When I was a kid, all this was fields." I said, "We're on a boat, you crazy b*****d." 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gonetoearth 5,144 Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 old guy and a young lad digging in ireland , lad pops his head over the hedge and see's a funaral coming down the lane as its gets closer , the old guy stops digging the earth looks over the hedge and takes his hat of standing to attention hat grasped in hand and graft over his shoulder as the funaral passes he bows his head ans whispers god bless , the young lad stare's and say's fair play pat ive never seen so much respect , as pat carrys on digging he stops looks up at the lad and say's ah well son i was married to her for 40 years Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dean 29 27 Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 a man and his wife were driving through Wales on their holidays when they suddenly saw a sign that said "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysili ogogogoch". The husband attempts to say it, but his wife starts laughing and soon this turns into a argument, so much so that they decide to pull into the nearest motorway restaurant. Finishing their meal, the wife can't help but question the waitress. "Excuse me miss," asked the wife, "but can you settle an argument between my husband and me? Can you pronounce the name of where we are, but very slowly please." The cashier looks at the woman funny and says! "Sure, you are in Liiiiittttttllllleeeee Chhhhhheeeeefffff!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SHOTTGUNKELLY 11 Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 A scouser goes on to Dragons Den and he shows them an old shotgun and gamekeepers pouch. Peter Jones says "And what's your idea?" The Scouser replies "Well it's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the f*****g bag" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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