christian71 3,187 Posted February 2, 2011 Report Share Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) Booked a table for me and the mrs for valentines day. Will probably end in tears though, she's shit at snooker. My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket. I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?" "No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl." Edited February 2, 2011 by christian71 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow? Kid: It Fu(ked off because there was no more grass. Women should be like golf caddies Either holding your balls or getting your tee ready! Edited February 2, 2011 by christian71 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lanesra 3,994 Posted February 2, 2011 Report Share Posted February 2, 2011 Women should be like golf caddies Either holding your balls or getting your tee ready! class lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker, well she's not actually my girlfriend yet.... I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are." Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk." She said, "Yes you are." I said, "No I'm fu(king not." She said, "Can you tell the time?" I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fu(king drunk." Edited February 2, 2011 by christian71 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Two blokes walk into a bar, First bloke says to the bar man,A pint for me please,And one for the Donkey,pointing to the second bloke. After a few pints the first bloke goes to the toilet,So the Bar man spotting his opportunity asks the second bloke, Why: Does He always refer to You as a Donkey? Second Bloke Replies, Hee Aw, Hee Aw, He Always calls me that. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
shepp 2,285 Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 WOMEN'S LONELY HEARTS ADS What they really mean: ADVENTUROUS = Slut ATHLETIC = No tits 30 SOMETHING = 41 FUN = Annoying WILD = Gets pissed easily BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber's dog SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a f*****g nutter NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny HEADSTRONG = Argumentative ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic CURVY = Fat c**t CUDDLY = Fat c**t LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat c**t LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat c**t 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tb25 4,627 Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Catcher 1 639 Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow? Kid: It Fu(ked off because there was no more grass. Women should be like golf caddies Either holding your balls or getting your tee ready! :laugh: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
keeper 51 78 Posted February 6, 2011 Report Share Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) the police pulled a black man over. After extensive investigations they ascertained he owned the BMW he was driving. He had a job he didn't have a criminal record He didn't have any outstanding parking tickets and the car contained no stolen property So they booked him for wasting police time Edited February 6, 2011 by keeper 51 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
keeper 51 78 Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Whats the difference between a white fairy tale and a black fairy tale? A white fairy tale starts "Once upon a time" A black fairy tale starts "Ain't no motherf-cker gonna believe diss shit" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
.terrier man. 193 Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Got punched by a 7 foot black guy the other day ...... All i said to him was golly your tall Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tb25 4,627 Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 what you call a black women who has had 10 abortions.....................crime stoper 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gav22 24 Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!" Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!" Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!" Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent. The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?" Paul says, "All over your back!" Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of their dogs! Q.When do you kick a dwarf in the balls? A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!†and he came running in. “Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,†she said. “S’truth, Sheila!†Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.†They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. “No way, we can’t do it!†Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.†“Plan B?†exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?†“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.†replied Cobber. “Spot on.†Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.†“Play with her nipples?†Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!†“No…†Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!†A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to the local pet store. The salesman says, “I have the perfect pet for you… a toothless hamster.†The guy says, “Nah, I don’t think so.†The salesman continues his sales pitch, “But it gives great head!†The guy agrees to buy the hamster and takes it home. Later that evening, his wife returns home and upon seeing the hamster screams, “What the hell is that thing?†The guy replies, “Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the f**k out.†A man phones work and says “Sorry, can’t come in today, I’m sick.†The boss says “How sick are you?†“Well…†the man replies “You be the judge – I’m in bed with my sister.†Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra? A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gav22 24 Posted February 7, 2011 Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe? A. A golf club In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. When Johnny got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you." Johnny said, "Claudia Schiffer's breasts." A guy walks into a bar with his girlfriend. A very drunk man in the bar looks at the girl and says loudly, "If you were my woman, I would lick you from top to bottom like a lollipop." The boyfriend is angered and starts to get up to kick the drunken guy's ass. The girlfriend stops him, telling him she does not want a scene. The drunken man then walks over to her and tries to give her a big sloppy kiss. The boyfriend pulls him off and is about to beat him to a pulp, but the girlfriend pulls him away. "If that guy even looks at you again, I'm going to kill him!" the boyfriend declared. After a couple of minutes, the drunk came over to the couple again and said "If you were my woman, I'd turn you upside-down, fill your pussy with beer and drink you dry with one swallow." The boyfriend just took the girl's arm and started to walk her quietly out of the bar. She asked him why he was not trying to pound the drunk into the ground for dishonoring her. He replied, "If he can drink that much beer, he's a better than than I am." What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream in the oven. How do you get a nigger out of a tree? Cut the rope. What did the Alabama sherriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times? Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. What do niggers and jockeys both ride? Animals. What is the title of the nigger’s favorite how-to-book? “How to Steal, Rape and Murderâ€. A spic walks into a bar and says, "Hey, nigger, give me a drink." The nigger bartender says, "I'll give you a drink, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't refer to me as a "nigger." "Oh man!, I am sure sorry about that bro'. Won't happen again." A few minutes later the spic says, "Hey moon crickett, another round." The nigger says,"Hey, look, I really don't want you calling me "moon crickett" either." The spic says,"Sorry bootlips, I didn't mean anything by it." The bartender says, "OK that's it! How would you like it if you were the bartender and I came in here calling you names?" "I don't know, let's find out." So the spic puts on an apron and goes behind the bar and the nigger walks outside and comes back in and shouts, "Hey wetback! I want a f*****g drink!" The "bartender" stops washing glasses and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers in here." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
christian71 3,187 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2011 Eskimo child asks his mum what is for tea. 'Vera Lynn burgers' she replied. To which the child replied 'Oh not Whale meat again' 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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