Just a bit of humor

[Tallyho 181]

Got this email today so thought i would share it .

 

 

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power!'

 

 

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation for casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

 

 

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

 

 

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

 

 

I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change' I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'.

 

 

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!â€.

 

 

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.

 

 

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'.

 

 

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

 

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

 

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m havin that’.

 

 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’?? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash b*****d. You’re in that feckin basket’.

 

 

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hairâ€?? ...The answer I should have given was “Fijiâ€.

[jf1970 328]

brilliant

[lurchergrrl 1,441]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m havin that’.

 

:11:

[GetOnitSkinDown 5]

The bacon sandwich one was spot on

 

Santa visited a childrens hospital, he went to the first bed, and there lay a little white boy with no arms, so santa gave him a pair of arms and said "you can be a boxer". In the next bed layed a little white girl with no legs, santa gave her a pair of legs and said "you can be a runner".

In the next bed, was a little black boy's head, so santa said, "heres some string, you can be a conker".

[earth&hounds 94]

in bits put a smile or 6 on my face

[gav22 24]

top class :clapper: :clapper:

[superfurryanimal 91]

:clapper: :clapper: :clapper:

[The one 8,482]

:laugh:

[Guest bullterrier]

:clapper:

[Guest stewie]

:laugh: :laugh:

[just jack 998]

at least we can say that US minorities have a sense of humour

mint

[DogMagic 461]

Two priests at a party decide to have a go on a bucking bronco. 1st priest lasts about 30 seconds. 2nd priest lasts over 10 minutes. The 1st asks "How did you manage to stay on so long?" The 2nd replies "One of my alter boys used to be epileptic"

[diggory 130]

quality

[luke2009 9]

lmfao fukin bonkers man hahaha