NEW JOKE

[christian71 3,187]

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

 

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

 

"My mummy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

 

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

 

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

 

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

 

"It'll teach those Indians not to f**k with the Lone Ranger."

[christian71 3,187]

I will give you a break for a bit lab (i'll be back)

[christian71 3,187]

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

 

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

 

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

 

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3-day weekend. So Thursday night, Little Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.

 

The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Little Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

 

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "lenny henry, see ya on Tuesday!"

[Lab 10,979]

Put the "in the classroom" joke book down now

Some good 1's though

[christian71 3,187]

It was the happiest day of my life. I walked into the church and my wife was waiting at the altar.I walked up to her,kissed her on the cheek,smiled..... then closed the f---ing lid.

[christian71 3,187]

Two blokes go in to a pub one says to the other, "Hey donkey, what you havin ?"

The man replies "I’ll, I’ll have a p p p p pint of la lager please mate"

Ok, his mate says.

 

Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "Hey donkey what you havin ?"

And stutter boy says, "I’ll, I’ll have another p p p pint of la la lager please mate"

Ok, his mate says.

 

Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "You get em in donkey it must be your round"

Donkey goes to the bar and says to the barman, "I’ll have t t t two p p p pints if la la lager please mate"

"OK" the barman says, "Here why’s he call you donkey ?"

Donkey replies

- E OR E OR E OR always calls me donkey"

[Lab 10,979]

Two blokes go in to a pub one says to the other, "Hey donkey, what you havin ?"

The man replies "I’ll, I’ll have a p p p p pint of la lager please mate"

Ok, his mate says.

 

Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "Hey donkey what you havin ?"

And stutter boy says, "I’ll, I’ll have another p p p pint of la la lager please mate"

Ok, his mate says.

 

Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "You get em in donkey it must be your round"

Donkey goes to the bar and says to the barman, "I’ll have t t t two p p p pints if la la lager please mate"

"OK" the barman says, "Here why’s he call you donkey ?"

Donkey replies

- E OR E OR E OR always calls me donkey"

Christian......Does that 71 stand for the year you were born because it could also be the same year that joke was first told...

[christian71 3,187]

Now do you like my 1st joke

[Lab 10,979]

Now do you like my 1st joke

Av just read it again............PMSL .........

[christian71 3,187]

A girl goes into the doctors for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "B" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriendis from Bolton and hes so proud of it he never takes off his Bolton sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "S" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend From Southport and hes so proud of it that he never takes off his southport sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Manchester?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend In Wales.

 

NO MORE THEN LAB I KNEW YOU WOULD COME ROUND

Edited July 16, 2010 by christian71

[Lab 10,979]

Man walks into WH Smiths and asks "Do you have that book for men with really small penises?"

Girl replies "Its not in yet!"

He says "Yip, Thats the one!"

 

 

 

My Jewish friend walked into Asda this morning and slapped his circumcised dick on the counter and said "Bet you cant roll that back!"

[mangy1983 51]

I like this 1

 

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." Yes," she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?

 

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

 

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

 

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen- year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

 

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?"

 

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

 

cheers Callum

 

[christian71 3,187]

moved

Edited July 19, 2010 by christian71