jacob 28 Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 I know the Bradshaw mob, not the firm on the radio...the real Bradshaw family that Buzz Hawkins based his little routine on. Buzz was a pal of Billy Bradshaw and would sit in the family kitchen and listen to the routine when they were kids and of course later on he had the script in his mind...the rest is history. The family was part fragmented and there were two younger males under Billy, one was a pal of mine ..who is no longer with us and the other is well looned up (though incredibly funny), i don't say looned up lightly..cause i have met a few but the youngest Bradshaw was certainly special in loon-land. I called to see me oppo one saturday dinner, he was getting ready upstairs and loon was sat infront of the tele watching Grandstand, something he did religiously...he watched the complete show from start to finish and no one was allowed to talk or disturb Grandstand on a saturday...he took it all very seriously. Anyway for once i was'nt in an argumentative mood and plotted up to watch Football Focus. Loon asked me every two minutes "Do you like Grandstand"...i nodded approvingly...we were now big mates. Next news the front door started being leathered.. in conjuction with the back door and loon is chucking an eppi cause the disturbance his hindering his viewing of Grandstand, he stared at the tele and began screaming "who's that at the f****n door, i'm trying to watch Grandstand"..obviuoslly not over the moon like. The other brother my oppo was flying around the house with a right sweat on running from front to back and looking out of all the windows, loon was still screaming "Who's at the f****n door, i'm trying to watch Grandstand". I had a feeling this was going to be a good 'un and when my pal explained to his brother (the grandstand loon) that the family next door (they had been to court 22 times for rowing/all well documented) had decided Saturday dinner was the time for an all out attack on thier drum (parents out) and were busy machette-ing the front and back door off to get in. I glanced at loon and thought i could see a glimmer of recognition in his eyes, though his answer "you better tell them to f**k off, i'm watching Grandstand" told me this stamp of loon was a bit of a die-hard. Anyway the family next door were well on thier way to machette-ing the locks out of the doors, my oppo is on a right flap arranging the corresponding metalwear at strategic points to greet the visitors and loon is still watching Grandstand...only now with each chop of a machette in the door his neck is doing a little body spaz. It's difficult to say what exactly gives particular loons thier inspiration, perhaps the thought of missing 5 mins of Grandstand drove this loon to great heights of intuition. It was almost like i could see the wheels spinning around in his mind and when i seen him reach down for the companion set at the fireside ..i realised his neck spaz's were somewhat in beat with the chopping of the machette's in the doors. He selected the little shovel from the companion set (which was new old stock/they had an electric fire) and cocked it over his shoulder in a rather lame mincing fashion and made the corresponding rocking motions with his body to become somehow in beat with the rythme of the door smashing. I watched spellbound whilst he crept ever nearer to the front door and proceeded to become in beat with this random chopping (there was a delay to allow the machette to be pulled back out of the door), his body formed rather oddly and rocking back and forth with this new old stock fireplace shovel half cocked. For a loon his sense of timing was the equal to a good Swiss watch for he waited and waited behind that front door and suddenly he had deemed the time appropriate with the machette being stuck in the door for this last time he suddenly opened the door 2 inch and flicked the shovel in a fast over the shoulder action...then shut the door and returned to his pot of tea and the Grandstand. My pal up the stairs began to scream histerically and shouted to me and when i looked out of the window one of the members of the next door clan was stretched out on the front lawn with the shovel well embeded in his swede (think knife/butter) and claret spraying all over the gaff. when i walked back in the room.. loon was fixated with the tele again obviouslly his mind had well dumped the front door incident cause i was once again asked "Do you like Grandstand" like he had never seen me before. Of course a season ticket for every saturday dinner that year was booked. The younger brother is still at it, just very recently my girlfriend returned from some supermarket and told me he was ahead of her at the till and told the check-out girl that he had phoned God and told him to "f**k OFF". Oneredtrim. cracked me up, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SJM Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 Brilliant stories, very vivid Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest oneredtrim Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 (edited) . Edited January 15, 2008 by oneredtrim Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hairyface 211 Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 ive just read the whole thread again and was pissing my self about the companion set incident with the samr amount of enthusiasm i wouldve loved to have been a fly on the wall every saturday in that house, very entertaining read mate Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ratcher 69 Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 exelent stories Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RatSnatcher 0 Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 Bloody good read Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FERRETBOY 680 Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 great storys guys realy enjoyed them rew Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scotty3968 0 Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 LONG LIVE MANKY GORDON...CLASS MATE SCOTTY Quote Link to post Share on other sites
old man 0 Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest oneredtrim Posted March 20, 2007 Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 (edited) . Edited January 15, 2008 by oneredtrim Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dobby 1 Posted March 20, 2007 Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 ive just read the whole thread again and was pissing my self about the companion set incident with the samr amount of enthusiasm i wouldve loved to have been a fly on the wall every saturday in that house, very entertaining read mate Yeah i did laugh at the shovel move myself Hairy.. but really Loon was a touch too violent to be in the premier league of characters.He had bit 5 fingers off that i knew about, a few half ears and a cheek and bottom lip. He'd had an eye away, fractured 50/60 skulls (including my own) and tried to put his ageing mother in the washing machine. For pure lol's coupled with a trace of old school variety acts the king of all characters must be "Johny Rocko" (Mr. Swamper might have met him....he's toured Ashton). Rocko was most intresting in that he was always somehow going to pick the boys up from the airport (Sammy Davis Juniour/Dean Martin....Sinatra could never make it). One night i'm in a particular loony boozer that can't get a landlord to stay for more than a month, every punter is fit for Rampton...it was a riot. Anyway the new landlord arrived and he was the stunt double for Roy Kinnear and proper stressed out of his head (first pub). Some of the kids had touched for some rip-raps (in was near bonfire night) and bangers and developed the scene in the pub whereupon a rip-rap would be dancing around the vault floor while everyone kept a straight face and carried on playing darts/crib. Roy the landlord was well flipping and his head was turning beetroot...he barred suspected culprits but no-one took any notice. The door swung open and in he walked ("IT'S ROCKO TIME") dressed in a full length leather, black three piece pin stripe suit, red cabaret shirt, black dickie bow, black shades, greased back hair....a snake belt around his waist and a pair of spatz on his plates (the dogs bollox). Tonight he had invented yet a further routine and he had with him a briefcase.....which had stenciled in large white letters £10,000 (on the side) and was handcuffed to his wrist (you just read that right). He marched in to the centre of the pub threw his hands in the air and balled "ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 JOAN COLLINS GAVE ME 294....THATS WHY THEY CALL ME ROCKO COCKO". He announced to the landlord that he had just had a big win on the gg's and the drinks were on him, the landlord in his greed/naivety only fell for it and next news the locals bombarded the bar for triple whiskeys etc. 40 mins later when it come time to settle the bill Rocko pulled his usual classic move and told the landlord to "take it out of that "(in a conspirital Arthur Daley manner) and palmed him an off cut of a section of 3x2 wood which had written on the side-profile "A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK". Roy was'nt best amused (you can imagine). He grabbed Rocko by the neck and the locals interjected with a rag-a muffin routine (Save the Rock). Whilst this was going on one of the kids had the briefcase open and had the contents away (porno mags) the mags were offered up for ridicule and in the end they had Rocko playing piggy in the middle. I n the end he snapped proper and put contracts out on everyone ("Just wait till Frank hears about this") reached in his pocket and pull out a gun....the pub cleared like lightning and Rocko rhymed one off ( it was a starting pistol)...i could see the look on Roys face from where i was stood (f****n mortified) and could hold it back no longer...the beer i had been drinking spewed out of my nose/eyes. Top night out. brilliant Quote Link to post Share on other sites
swamper 11 Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 (edited) Johny Rocko...ORT...... nearly killed him one night...and i mean for real he was dressed like you explained..with the case...but had a cue in it my musiss was 8 month pregers....with my 1st born..and went into the shop whilst i was waiting in the car on cathrine st AUL and that f**k whit was in there he only pulled out his cue and smaked her round legs with it..well you can imagened what happpend its a good job he went down easy...because id have ended his life there and then f****n f****d up chap....another foot up he would have smacked my unborn baby across the head and the cheeky little f****r pleaded for his life......how i never finshed him i dont know..... i know were your coming for ORT we live in the same part of the world fella and its nearly 3 in the morn,,,so i'l add another day but the same as you i have some tales....we do know the loones edit to ask is he dead yet....as iv not seen that c**t for a while????? Edited March 23, 2007 by swamper Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jacob 28 Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 heres a quick one, on one of the loons i know, it was a few years ago in the summertime,i bumped into frank, hes the local nutter that rides round on a mountain bike with the whippet trotting beside ,can of special brew in one hand and a joint hanging out of his gob,frank doesnt really speak he sort of growls and grumbles, and his pitch changes when hes getting enthusiastic about somthing,hes a white fella with dreadlocks and only ever wears camo ,hes in his late forties now and has hardly any teeth left ,we started communicating the best we could and i sort of made out that he wanted a favour,and it was somthing to do with the pick up truck i was driving,i said o.k and he chucked his bike into the back of the truck,and we were off ,he was pointing and grumbling the way,after about twenty minutes we arrived at the back entrance to a zoo ,where there was a pile of old 6ft x 3ft doors and a mountain of steaming shit,he looked at me and chuckled and started loading the doors on the truck ,and they were heavy b*****ds,it took us a good half hour to load em all on to the truck and strap em up safely,when wed finished that,i sat in the truck and started to roll a fag,then i saw frank scrambling to the top of the steaming shit pile,he came down covered in shit with both his hands stretching out the bottom of his t.shirt,concealing what turned out to be about a dozen tomatoes ,that obviously one of the animals had eaten and the seeds had been shit out and had regrown at the top of the shit pile,anyway he had a big grin on his face and i thouhght mission accomplished ,we got back to his house unloaded all the doors dragged em through into his back yard,i cant call it a garden,we stacked them all neatly,sweat pouring now,he sort of growled do you want a drink,i said yeah and we went inside to the kitchen,where he opened the fridge ,to put in his nice tomatoes, that he didnt even wash,and i couldnt help notice the fresh pigs head staring back out of the fridge at me, i said is that for the dogs frank,no he said thats me dinner oh right i said,i had my drink and by now i just wanted to feck off,so i said right ive got to be off frank ,cheers he says,just as i was going out i asked him what he was gonna do with the doors ,[im gonna burn em! he says with a big smile on his face,i couldnt believe it ,a mornings work, diesel and sweat, and the c**ts aving a bonfire. i f****d off quick. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jacob 28 Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 Johny Rocko...ORT...... nearly killed him one night...and i mean for real he was dressed like you explained..with the case...but had a cue in it my musiss was 8 month pregers....with my 1st born..and went into the shop whilst i was waiting in the car on cathrine st AUL and that f**k whit was in there he only pulled out his cue and smaked her round legs with it..well you can imagened what happpend its a good job he went down easy...because id have ended his life there and then f****n f****d up chap....another foot up he would have smacked my unborn baby across the head and the cheeky little f****r pleaded for his life......how i never finshed him i dont know..... i know were your coming for ORT we live in the same part of the world fella and its nearly 3 in the morn,,,so i'l add another day but the same as you i have some tales....we do know the loones edit to ask is he dead yet....as iv not seen that c**t for a while????? wasnt johnny rocco the gangster character ,out of key largo played by edward .g. robinson Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest oneredtrim Posted March 23, 2007 Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 (edited) . Edited January 15, 2008 by oneredtrim Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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