gsi2000stokie 5 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 had to show you lot this. its fecking hilarious! its real and im still laughing This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written...... -------------- > > Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, > > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin > > police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and > > try e-mailing you instead. > > > > Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your > > colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. > > > > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments > > (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off > > St Mary's Road in Bodmin. > > > > Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a > > football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This > > causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. > > This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring > > system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. > > > > The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through > > several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so > > thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is > > setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. > > > > I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited > > attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between > > the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off > > then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them > > the matches. > > > > Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with > > them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. > > > > What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless > > assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt > > with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) > > when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car > > before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course > > serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. > > > > I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these > > throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month > > head start before coming to arrest me. > > > > I remain your obedient servant > > ??????? > > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > > Mr ??????, > > > > I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the > > problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have > > encountered in trying to contact the police. > > > > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend > > an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. > > > > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details > > (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. > > > > Regards > > PC ??????? > > Community Beat Officer > > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > > Dear PC ??????? > > First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my > > original e-mail. > > > > 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police > > Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris > > McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book. > > > > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community > > Beat Officer. > > > > May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the > > five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen > > you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated > > the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his > > forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely > > only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama. > > > > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking > > place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without > > due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain > > (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ####s that > > they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. > > > > The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within > > spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being > > the preferred option especially if the tide is in. > > > > Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free > > to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to > > answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. > > > > Regards > > ????????? > > > > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you > > don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!! __________________________________ Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Terrie 12 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Reading this has had me in stitches Quote Link to post Share on other sites
droid 11 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Excellent Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RaiderBoy 19 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 had this emailed to me the other day it hilarious. Richard Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Geordieboy 23 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 HAHAHAHAHA In stitches here like. Brilliant. Keep us updated! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sako.243 1 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 I put this up on another site a while back, Its hilarious!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mbrydenuk 14 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 funny but so true Quote Link to post Share on other sites
iamduvern 62 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 :clapper: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
arnieboy 93 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) being christian without due care and attention lol Edited October 29, 2009 by arnieboy Quote Link to post Share on other sites
artic 595 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Welcome to the uk. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
artic 595 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Welcome to the uk. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
inan 841 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 had to show you lot this. its fecking hilarious! its real and im still laughing This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written...... -------------- > > Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, > > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin > > police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and > > try e-mailing you instead. > > > > Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your > > colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. > > > > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments > > (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off > > St Mary's Road in Bodmin. > > > > Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a > > football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This > > causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. > > This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring > > system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. > > > > The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through > > several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so > > thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is > > setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. > > > > I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited > > attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between > > the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off > > then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them > > the matches. > > > > Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with > > them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. > > > > What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless > > assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt > > with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) > > when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car > > before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course > > serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. > > > > I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these > > throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month > > head start before coming to arrest me. > > > > I remain your obedient servant > > ??????? > > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > > Mr ??????, > > > > I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the > > problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have > > encountered in trying to contact the police. > > > > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend > > an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. > > > > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details > > (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. > > > > Regards > > PC ??????? > > Community Beat Officer > > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > > Dear PC ??????? > > First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my > > original e-mail. > > > > 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police > > Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris > > McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book. > > > > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community > > Beat Officer. > > > > May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the > > five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen > > you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated > > the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his > > forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely > > only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama. > > > > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking > > place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without > > due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain > > (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ####s that > > they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. > > > > The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within > > spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being > > the preferred option especially if the tide is in. > > > > Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free > > to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to > > answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. > > > > Regards > > ????????? > > > > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you > > don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!! __________________________________ Phil. Excellent!.I bet if a report of a couple of lads with lurchers walking fields came in their response would be quicker. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
clay man 0 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 i know what i would call a few mates and f88k the cops :whistling: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest dances Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 very good Quote Link to post Share on other sites
sikastag_1 689 Posted October 29, 2009 Report Share Posted October 29, 2009 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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