Favourite limerick

[martin 332]

There was a young girl from Detroit

Who at screwing was very adroit.

She could squeeze her vagina

To a pin-point, or finer,

Or open it out like a quoit.

[martin 332]

There was a young girl from Dundee

Who was raped by an ape in a tree.

The result was most horrid -

All arse and no forehead,

Three balls and an ill-groomed goatee.

[martin 332]

There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone spike,

But it really was broken from pokin'.

[martin 332]

There was a young girl from Throgmorton

Who had one long tit and a short 'un.

To make up for that,

She'd a six foot wide twat,

And a fart like a 650 Norton.

[martin 332]

There was a young lady called Blunt

Who possessed a rectangular c**t.

She learned, for diversion,

Posterior perversion,

As no one could fit her in front.

[Swift 0]

Ur cumin out with sum blinders martin makin me piss lol!

[martin 332]

There was a young lady called Hilda

Who went for a walk with a builder.

He knew that he could,

And he should, and he would -

And he did - and it bloody near killed her!

[martin 332]

There was a young maid named McDuff

With a lovely luxuriant muff

In his haste to get in her

One eager beginner

Lost both of his balls in the rough.

[martin 332]

There was a young vicar of Eltham

Who wouldn't f**k girls, but he felt 'em.

In lanes he would linger

And play stinky finger,

And moan with delight when he smelt 'em.

[Mac 30]

Think martins been using google lol ... found this lot -

 

 

There was a fair maiden whose joys

Were achieved with remarkable poise.

She would reach her orgasm

With scarcely a spasm,

And could fart without making a noise.

 

There was a lascivious wench

Whom nothing could ever make blench.

She'd insert a man's pole

In just any old hole,

And she'd bugger, f**k, jerk-off and French.

 

There was a man from Bhoghat,

Whose arse cheeks were terribly fat.

They had to be parted

Whenever he farted,

And propped wide apart when he shat.

 

There was a most versatile whore,

As expert behind as before.

For five quid you could view her,

And bugger and screw her,

As she stood on her head on the floor.

 

There was a Nabob of Madras

Whose balls were constructed of brass.

When jostled together

They played Stormy Weather,

And lightning shot out of his arse.

 

There was a notorious seaman

Who with ladies was quite a young demon.

In peace or in war,

At sea or on shore,

He was liberal and free with his semen.

 

There was a senora from Spain

Whose appearance was mightily plain,

But her quim had a pucker

That made the men f**k her,

Again and again and again.

 

There was a sweet lady who said,

As her new beau climbed into her bed,

'I'm tired of this stunt

That they do with one's c**t,

You can slip up my bottom instead.'

 

There was a sweet maiden called Dowd

Whom a young lecher groped in a crowd.

But the thing that most vexed her

Was when he stood next her

He said, 'How's your c**t?' right out loud.

 

There was a young boy called Taylor

Who seduced a respectable sailor.

When they put him in jail

He settled the bail

By doing the same to the jailer.

 

There was a young dentist called Stone

Who saw all his patients alone.

In a fit of depravity

He filled the wrong cavity,

Good Lord! How his practice has grown!

 

There was a young fellow called Dirk

Who dozed off one day after work.

He woke with a scream

When he had a wet dream,

And polished it off with a jerk.

 

There was a young fellow called Howell

Who buggered himself with a trowel.

The triangular shape

Was conducive to rape,

And easily cleaned with a towel.

 

There was a young fellow called Lancelot

Whose neighbours looked on him askance a lot.

Whenever he'd pass

A pretty young lass,

The front of his pants would advance a lot.

 

There was a young fellow called Price

Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.

He loved virgins and boys

And mechanical toys,

And on Mondays he meddled with mice.

 

There was a young fellow called Runyon,

Whose penis developed a bunion.

With every erection,

This painful infection,

Gave off a strong odour of onion.

 

There was a young fellow- from Datchet

Who lopped off his prick with a hatchet.

He sent it to Whitely,

With a note wrote politely,

And ordered a c**t that would match it.

 

There was a young fellow from Kent

Whose tool was amazingly bent.

To save himself trouble

He put it in double,

And instead of coming, he went.

 

There was a young fellow from Perth -

The dirtiest bugger on earth.

When his wife was confined

He crept up behind,

And swallowed the whole afterbirth.

 

There was a young gaucho called Bruno

Who said, 'There's one thing that I do know.

A woman is fine,

A boy is divine,

But a llama is numero uno.

 

There was a young gigolo, Meek,

Who invented a lingual technique.

It drove women frantic,

Made them feel romantic,

And wore all the beard from his cheek.

 

There was a young girl called Dolores,

Whose c**t was all covered in sores.

The dogs in the street

Used to snap at the meat,

That hung in green gobs from her drawers.

 

There was a young girl called McBight

Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.

She came to her bed

With a split maidenhead -

'Twas the last time she ever got tight.

 

There was a young girl called O'Clare

Whose body was covered in hair.

It was really quite fun

To probe with one's gun,

For the target might be anywhere.

 

There was a young girl from Cornell

Whose nipples were shaped like a bell.

When you touched them they shrunk,

But when she got drunk,

They quickly got bigger than hell.

 

There was a young girl from Detroit

Who at screwing was very adroit.

She could squeeze her vagina

To a pin-point, or finer,

Or open it out like a quoit.

 

There was a young girl from Dundee

Who went down to the river to pee.

And a man in a punt,

Stuck an oar in her c**t,

And now she wears glasses, you see.

 

There was a young girl from Dundee

Who was raped by an ape in a tree.

The result was most horrid -

All arse and no forehead,

Three balls and an ill-groomed goatee.

 

There was a young girl from Eskdale

Who put up her sweet arse for sale.

For two threepenny bits

You could tickle her tits,

But a shilling would get you some tail.

 

There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone spike,

But it really was broken from pokin'.

 

There was a young girl from Throgmorton

Who had one long tit and a short 'un.

To make up for that,

She'd a six foot wide twat,

And a fart like a 650 Norton.

 

There was a young girl named Priscilla,

Who flavoured her c**t with vanilla.

The taste was so fine,

Men and beasts stood in line,

But she called it a day with Godzilla.

 

There was a young lady called Astir

Who seldom let any get past her.

One night she got plenty

And finished at twenty.

One imagines that that ought to last 'er.

 

There was a young lady called Blunt

Who possessed a rectangular c**t.

She learned, for diversion,

Posterior perversion,

As no one could fit her in front.

 

There was a young lady called grace,

Who liked you to cum all over her face.

But a well endowed lad,

Gave her all that he had,

And blew her tonsils all over the place.

 

There was a young lady called Hilda

Who went for a walk with a builder.

He knew that he could,

And he should, and he would -

And he did - and it bloody near killed her!

 

There was a young lady called Moore

Who, while not quite precisely a whore,

Could not miss the chance

To whip off her pants

To compare a man's stroke with her bore.

 

There was a young lady called Ransom

Who was serviced three times in a hansom.

When she cried, 'Give me more!'

A voice from the floor

Said, 'My name is Simpson not Samson.'

 

There was a young lady called Riddle

Who had an untouchable middle.

She acquired many friends

Because of her ends,

For it isn't the middle you diddle.

 

There was a young lady from Cheam

Crept into the vestry unseen.

She ripped off her knickers,

Likewise the vicar's,

And rammed in the Episcopal bean.

 

There was a young lady from Dee

Who slept with each man she did see.

Should it come to a test

She wished to be best,

And practice makes perfect, you see.

 

There was a young lady from Kent,

With a c**t of enormous extent.

It was so deep and so wide,

The acoustics inside,

Caused an echo whenever you spent.

 

There was a young lady from Natchez

Who was fully equipped with two snatches.

She often cried, 'Shit!

I'd give either tit

For a man with equipment that matches.'

 

There was a young lady from Norway

Who hung by her heels from a doorway.

She said to her beau,

'Look at this, Joe,

I think I've discovered one more way!'

 

There was a young lady from Readin'

Who got poxed and the virus was spreadin'.

Her c**t layers each day

Kept sloughing away,

Until you could shove your whole head in.

 

There was a young lady from Reading,

Who got poxed, and the virus was spreading.

Her c**t layers each day,

Kept peeling away,

Until you could shove your whole head in.

 

There was a young lady from Shotton,

Who plugged her diseased c**t with cotton.

For it was no myth,

That she had the syph,

She stunk and her arsehole was rotton.

 

There was a young lady of Dover

Whose passion was such that it drove her

To cry when she came,

'Oh dear, what a shame!

Well now we just have to start over.'

 

There was a young maid from Cape Cod

Who dreamed she was sleeping with God.

'Twas not the Almighty

Who pulled up her nightie,

'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod!

 

There was a young maid from Cape Cod,

Who dreamed she was sleeping with god.

‘Twas not the almighty,

Who pulled up her nightie,

‘Twas Roger, the lodger, the sod!

 

There was a young maid from Madrid

Who would open her legs for a quid.

But a handsome Italian

With balls like a stallion

Said he'd do it for nothing - and did.

 

There was a young maid named McDuff

With a lovely luxuriant muff

In his haste to get in her

One eager beginner

Lost both of his balls in the rough.

 

There was a young maiden called Flynn

Who thought fornication a sin,

But when she was tight

It seemed quite alright,

So everyone filled her with gin.

 

There was a young maiden called Randall

Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal

By walking out bare

To the main village square

And poking herself with a candle.

 

There was a young maiden from Rheims

Who started to pee in four streams.

A friend poked around

And a fly-button found

Tightly wedged in her intimate seams.

 

There was a young man from Coblenz

Whose balls were quite simply immense:

It took forty draymen

A priest and three laymen

To transport them thither and hence.

 

There was a young man from Devizes

Whose balls were of different sizes.

The left one was small,

Almost no ball at all,

And the right one was large and won prizes.

 

There was a young man from Madras

Who was stuffing a maid in the grass.

But the tropical sun

Spoiled some of his fun

By singeing the hairs on his arse.

 

There was a young man from Nantucket

Whose cock was so long he could suck it.

He said with a grin,

As he wiped off his chin,

'If my ear was a c**t I would f**k it.'

 

There was a young man from Nantucket

Took a pig to a thicket to f**k it.

Said the pig, 'No, I'm queer,

Get away from my rear,

Just come to the front and I'll suck it.'

 

There was a young man from Nantucket,

Whose cock was so big he could suck it.

He said with a grin,

As he wiped off his chin,

If my ear was a c**t I could f**k it.

 

There was a young man from Peru

Whose lineage was noble all through.

It's surely not crud,

For not only his blood

But even his semen was blue.

 

There was a young man from Racine

Who invented a knobbing machine.

Concave or convex,

It would suit either sex,

With attachments for those in between.

 

There was a young man from Rangoon

Who farted and filled a balloon.

The balloon went so high

That it stuck in the sky,

Which was tough for the Man in the Moon.

 

There was a young man of Australia

who painted his arse like a dahlia.

The drawing was fine,

The colour divine,

But the scent - alas - was a failure

 

There was a young man of Hong Kong

Who sported a metre of prong.

It looked, when erect,

As one would expect,

When coiled, it did not seem so long.

 

There was a young monk from Tibet,

And this is the strangest one yet -

His prick was so long,

So pointed and strong,

He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.

 

There was a young novice called Bell

Who didn't like c**t all that well.

He would finger and f**k one,

But never could suck one,

He just couldn't get used to the smell.

 

There was a young pervert from Mayence

Who flicked his own arse in defiance

Not only of habit

And morals but - dammit -

Most of the known laws of science.

 

There was a young Scot from Dumfries

Who said to his girl, 'If you please,

It would give me great joy

If with this you could toy,

Then pay some attention to these.'

 

There was a young squaw of Chokdunt

Who had a collapsible c**t.

Though it had many uses,

It made no papooses,

But fitted both giant and runt.

 

There was a young stud from Glenchasm

Who had a stupendous orgasm.

In the midst of his thrall

He burst both his balls,

And covered an acre with plasm.

 

There was a young stud from Missouri

Who f****d with astonishing fury,

'Til taken to court

For his vigorous sport,

And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.

 

There was a young stud in Madrid

Who got fifty good fucks for a quid.

When they said, 'Aren't you faint?'

He replied, 'No, I ain't,

But I don't feel as well as I did.'

 

There was a young tyro called Fyffe

Who married the love of his life.

But imagine his pain

When he struggled in vain,

And just couldn't enter his wife.

 

There was a young vicar of Eltham

Who wouldn't f**k girls, but he felt 'em.

In lanes he would linger

And play stinky finger,

And moan with delight when he smelt 'em.

 

There was a young virgin from Bude

Whose proclivities were often viewed

With distrust by the males

For she'd fondle their rails,

But never would let them intrude.

 

There was a young whore from Tashkent

Who commanded an immoral rent.

Day out and day in

She lay writhing in sin,

Giving thanks it was ten months to Lent.

 

There was a young widow from Kent

With a c**t of enormous extent,

And so deep and so wide,

The acoustics inside

Formed an echo whenever you spent.

 

There was a young woman called Dexter

Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,

For whenever they'd start

He'd let fly a great fart

With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.

 

There was a young woman called Gloria

Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,

By six other men,

Sir Gerald again,

And the band of the Waldorf-Astoria.

 

There was a young woman called Hall

Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.

The dress caught on fire

And burned her entire,

Front page, sporting section, and all.

 

There was a young woman from Bicester

More willing by far than her sister.

The sister would giggle

And wriggle and jiggle,

But this one would come if you kissed her

[JordKil 0]

some right good ones there! lol

how about

 

There was a young girl from Eeling

Who had a very strange feeling

She lay on her back and opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling!

[Malt 379]

There was a young man from Leeds,

 

who swallowed a packet of seeds.

 

In under an hour his cock was a flower,

 

and his arse was covered in weeds!

 

 

 

 

There was a maid from Aberystwyth,

 

Who had some rye to grist with.

 

The millers son jack,

 

lay her on her back,

 

and they united the organs they pissed with!

 

 

 

Mary had a little lamb,

 

she tied it to a pylon.

 

10,000 volts went up its arse,

 

and turned its wool to nylon!

 

 

 

Mary had a little dog,

 

she also had a duck,

 

every time her back was turned,

 

the pair began to f**k!

[sam3009 4]

There was a wee wifey fae leeds

who swallowed a packet o seeds

in 24 hours her tits were all flowers

and her fanny was covered in weeds

[craigyboy 1,274]

there was a young fellow called perkin

who was always jerkin his gherkin

his father said perkin

stop jerkin yer gherkin

ya gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

 

[sam3009 4]

there was a wee man from Brazil

who swallowed a dynamite pill

His heart retired, his arse backfired

and his willy shot over the hill