deadlyshot

‎12 gold hoops..11 weeks on bail ... 10 Richmond kingsize ... 9pm curfew... 8 bruised ribs .... 7 different dads 6 grams of m.Kat ... 5 sovereign rings ... 4 stolen iPhone's.... 3 ASBOS ... 2 much to drink and a brand new STD ..... Todays xmas carol

A man tells his wife "When you take your bra off, you look 10 years younger." "Do I?" says the wife, smiling. "Absolutely - your tits sag so much they pull the wrinkles out of your face."

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin f****n home!"

A woman set her fanny on fire by accident, Her husband said stand on the balcony and let the wind blow it out.But she slipped and fell.Paddy and Murphy were stood below,watching the flaming fanny hurtling towards them, paddy said to murphy is that hayleys comet? Murphy said don't talk f*****g stupid its a Twatalite

all done rob190364 let me know when you have deleted some of your inbox so i can send you my address

any one wants a nurserie ryhme let me know and ill pm you as bit much for on here

Anyone fancy a bit of digging tomorrow

Anyone got any wormers for sale I did see someone had some up for say the other week but I didn't realise that I didn't have any left let's me know if you do cheers

anyone know what the price of scrap copper is at the moment?

Bloke at the races whispers to Paddy, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy says, "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

brought ferret finder of rob190364 and actually received it so there is another person i will happily vouch for for not being rip off cheers again rob

Can Anyone tell me or guide me what good books I can buy about dog breeds and there uses

can i have some advise on what is a good fairly long lasting lamp xmas is on its way so i need to send my list into the big fella lol

do the variable lightforce blitz lamps come with a battery pack

Finally back of holiday from turkey wouldnt go again i thought a holiday is were you go to relax and have everyone run round for you not turkey they lazy barstards so glad to be home

finally back to work with the same company that keeps laying me off lets see how long im there this time

Got my driving test tomorrow hopefully there will be a big fat pass certificate lol

great joys of working in south london none at all there is more people in are skip that there is in the local tesco

great joys of working in south london none at all there is more people in are skip that there is in the local tesco

harsh i know but have you heard that gary speed has brought out a range of shirt bit tight round the neck but great hanging up! (rip gary speed)

how do you make a cat go woof ? pour petrol over it then light it.

I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice. To be honest I haven't seen the f*****g thing shut yet.

I made a romantic meal for my wife and called out " honey, dinners ready " I then heard the moaning of sexual pleasure as she replied " mmmm , just coming baby " and she let out a giggle. So I walked into lounge to find her lying naked on sofa, seductively stroking her pussy " Why dont you make me come " she purred. So I punched her in the face and screamed " f*****g DINNER . . NOW ! "

I made my girlfriend's dreams come true & married her in a castle........ although you wouldnt have thought it from the look on her miserable f****n' face as we we're bouncing around,

I shagged an ugly Chinese bird in a lift. I know, I know.....I was f****n Wong on so many levels.